It's funny when you think about it, how every aspect of how you live and think ends up defining yourself. Even the smallest of bad habits, or the rarest of ungaurded thoughts has some sort of effect on who we really are, weather we realize it or not. This is how our concept of self can stray from the truth. Of course there are events along our lives which call us to look back inside upon ourselves to try and understand the stranger looking at us from the mirror. It's at these points in our lives that bouth our internal definition of our character and the reality of our charicter come into sharp relief with one another, and are the most volatile.
So here I sit, in front of the computer instead of at a job that no longer needs my help, searching for answers. It seems I've lost myself recently, and have come to realize it too late to prevent trouble. Though my first attempt to find what I was missing failed, life intervened to help it out. I had asked my girlfriend for a camera check yesterday, hoping for some insight into how other people see me, and wound up finding out she didn't know me that well (at least by her own admission, however, I think she knows me better than I do.) I passed it off as mental whimsy why I wanted to know that and moved on, untill tonight. Tonight, obviously, I was fired, which wasn't necissarily bad as much as disappointing. What disappointed me wasn't the loss of income (hell they just gave me my first paycheck as they fired me. . . not much to miss) as much as the concept that I had failed to do something I was nearly ssure I could. I guess the near-sureity was the arrogance that cost me the job, however being wrong about myself really jarred me. Its gotten me thinking about how much I really know myself. The image I held in my mind was one from 4 years ago. The snot nosed kid who slept through all his AP classes, ultimately failing them, and yet getting complete college credit (at a 3.0) for all of them, and the last laugh as he didn't need to pass anything that year to graduate (save an english and a PE class). I've changed tsence then, and now I find that it's up to me to figure out how. . . It sucks no longer being infallable, but then again I guess that makes me human now.
Just writing it out helps, as the logic runs through my fingers instead of my brain (a much more reliable source). I have a feeling I'll soon have written many more of these, but for tonight I believe this is enough.
Self Definition
~*Kitty
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